I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot lately. Community. Unplugging. Sitting still. Free will.
The cost of doing what feels good against the cost of doing what makes sense. Intrinsic motivation and the joy that comes with it. Extrinsic motivation and the platitude that comes with it. My creativity. My traumas.
My 18,000 follower Instagram account. How I refused to play by the rules of the algorithm and paid the price. How it feels good to not care about the algorithm and just post.
How I still can’t work out. How I struggle with loving this new body. How I love the boobs it’s given me though. How I love. How I am loved. How I commune. How I would love to feel safe again. How I enjoy watching people laugh, eat, hug, smile, and fight for the wellbeing of others.
How I invest like I’m on crack then get all shocked when I lose money. How I need to delete 2-3,000 photos. How I need to get more plants.
How I find it difficult to explain how much I love drinking water. Just water please. No, nothing else. Yes, I drink… But I just want water. Room temperature please. Thank you. Rinse and repeat.
How I refuse to protect men of color at all cost, if all cost includes me… Black women. How I refuse to protect women in positions of power at all cost, if all cost includes me… women not in power. How I don’t want to be a mom but the momma bear in me rises when I hear a kid call out for their mom.
How what I truly want is to unplug for a year and live in a village. Growing food. Living off the land. Telling tales by moonlight. Skinny dipping in the ocean. Creating beautiful things with my hands. Learning. Reading. Writing. Healing. Giving. Loving. Growing. Being loved.
How I need to get my shit together. Again.
