tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10284247310295466202024-03-04T22:29:30.503-06:00Mountains of thingsdoshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-20530604428980247492024-01-23T00:58:00.003-06:002024-01-23T01:06:18.138-06:00An Early Valentine <p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Sometimes, love people so deeply that you open the door when they ask to leave you</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Sometimes,</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> ask “what can I do to make you feel loved?” and then do it, no further questions asked</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Sometimes, love people enough to allow them be themselves</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Sometimes, love humanity so deeply that you want freedom for all people, by any means necessary… even in the language of their oppressors</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">(Because) Sometimes, love is justice</span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">(And) Sometimes, justice is not peaceful</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">(Which means) Sometimes, love is not peaceful and that flavor of love is the answer that is needed</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><br /><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;">*</p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Sometimes, do whatever is in your power to help people feel seen, feel safe, feel loved</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Sometimes, just love.</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-8697777259021985382024-01-08T12:34:00.006-06:002024-01-08T12:36:57.485-06:00I’m Not Dying pt 2<p><span style="font-size: x-small;">*I posted this on Instagram but sharing it here for ‘posterity’</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9tpXRzY_eAqzkg34akdXhM-PsUpyzuYBOd98ILR6B59lThndU5Q_38HJ1WdXzbwGYkpPSZqqMc9dByFwc-KPRjMva-e7Qte_IWnnyYCTBD34yOidWWkl2lx2gsHiOTwBBjhii9q68UFXxLP9LrL4W-JeByGNqrBzY2UOaAOuGMjTPQ6ed69qj4p121lN/s1800/5605C83C-49D4-432D-9F50-A9DBCBF78912.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="1440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9tpXRzY_eAqzkg34akdXhM-PsUpyzuYBOd98ILR6B59lThndU5Q_38HJ1WdXzbwGYkpPSZqqMc9dByFwc-KPRjMva-e7Qte_IWnnyYCTBD34yOidWWkl2lx2gsHiOTwBBjhii9q68UFXxLP9LrL4W-JeByGNqrBzY2UOaAOuGMjTPQ6ed69qj4p121lN/s16000/5605C83C-49D4-432D-9F50-A9DBCBF78912.jpeg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>On June the 19th, I got the Total Hysterectomy that changed my life! It was done laparoscopically, through a robot, so I got 4 incisions on my sides for the prongs and one through my bellybutton to remove my uterus, cervix and fallopian tubes. I had fibroids the size of grapefruits, a septate uterus and cysts on my fallopian tubes. It exacerbated my blood disorder, I was in so much pain, anemic all the time and barely able to function. Worst of all, this could have been treated in 2012 but I was declined a hysterectomy without so much as an ultrasound to prove I was fine - just because I was of child bearing age and my ability to have children was more important than my physical health, mental health and overall well-being. So I sucked it up and continued to live in pain and misery. </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPc1oio7aSY8p2K9AA_7INNA-zFjiiLouqknkclAhECne-xJEuHMaIO_J0gOFqgKhGfkyyd6R_T-EnOCXiYh0JiCAAu0Uszwb002ra9q6Wb007PmNguMDz0ddE9_40VgpgY8vQJa1qprwfNhh9x9O-OrXujUdluExa55yOtzhxDjvgQeTWmiKRWSRexehy/s1444/IMG_6446.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1444" data-original-width="1170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPc1oio7aSY8p2K9AA_7INNA-zFjiiLouqknkclAhECne-xJEuHMaIO_J0gOFqgKhGfkyyd6R_T-EnOCXiYh0JiCAAu0Uszwb002ra9q6Wb007PmNguMDz0ddE9_40VgpgY8vQJa1qprwfNhh9x9O-OrXujUdluExa55yOtzhxDjvgQeTWmiKRWSRexehy/s16000/IMG_6446.jpeg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>I know a ton of women who KNOW the duration, pain and heaviness of their period is not “normal” but get gaslit into thinking it is or tricked into getting on birth control to mask the periods instead of an ultrasound to see what’s actually going on. </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK0k8ykoJAEhP4lA3Wj-0vAG_GN_MHyiq1aTJS7f3PFNw3woyhyKeKTXuRAhdAk5kj4SJaSKw5Aay-EJRqwYDYrF8rA12wvo4V9wQ4Zcy3zkINBr2IL0bhyshfuUiizzr3NF0oGY9alyVa5lMzTXsEUQTLQ6yPcNgfzG_KlJ2bT6qKkPSFtZWAVhO6MggX/s1458/IMG_6447.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1458" data-original-width="1170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK0k8ykoJAEhP4lA3Wj-0vAG_GN_MHyiq1aTJS7f3PFNw3woyhyKeKTXuRAhdAk5kj4SJaSKw5Aay-EJRqwYDYrF8rA12wvo4V9wQ4Zcy3zkINBr2IL0bhyshfuUiizzr3NF0oGY9alyVa5lMzTXsEUQTLQ6yPcNgfzG_KlJ2bT6qKkPSFtZWAVhO6MggX/s16000/IMG_6447.jpeg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>If you have a uterus, this is your reminder that: Pain is not normal; Bleeding for a week is not normal; Being anemic without other underlying health conditions is not normal and; you are worth more than your ability to have children. Go to your doctor and insist on an ultrasound then take it from there. It might be nothing, it might be something, it might require medication, it might require a variety of surgeries but you won’t know how to get better until you know what’s wrong. So please, ask for an ultrasound! </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEWyqrg4lCerDCIBOXiVEbGdkE1kZrf2lX30Z1rY3rE5yHRctc9L6Qjswj2kPL1nGrt1Yer0zZZ9MBE3wCwhfwzxzpclfnM-6Cj-4Tz6mSc1Q4hPNLLla-3iHtYg5Vjt3Y8sOUujrPOr-AmxkO6AAqtTwTK_h_xQll-kNdRm81X6P5P0kdNzeUky9Z7LEO/s3072/IMG_6450.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3072" data-original-width="3072" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEWyqrg4lCerDCIBOXiVEbGdkE1kZrf2lX30Z1rY3rE5yHRctc9L6Qjswj2kPL1nGrt1Yer0zZZ9MBE3wCwhfwzxzpclfnM-6Cj-4Tz6mSc1Q4hPNLLla-3iHtYg5Vjt3Y8sOUujrPOr-AmxkO6AAqtTwTK_h_xQll-kNdRm81X6P5P0kdNzeUky9Z7LEO/s16000/IMG_6450.png" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>I was supported by a lot of women who have been through this and would love to support you too so feel free to reach out. I’m an inch away from “total” recovery but I’m doing very well, building core strength as I learn the new shape of my belly, deciding if I want to keep the weight and build muscle vs lose the weight and my new boobilicious boobs, and raging against the machine as often as I can. I’ll be in Morocco for a bit so come visit me sometime let’s sit crooked and talk straight ❤️</p><p>Ps: The travel blog will be active this year, check it out <a href="https://driftingdosh.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Drifting Dosh</a> </p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-36454305716317038482023-10-05T20:23:00.004-05:002023-10-05T20:23:46.599-05:00Chicken Shit Bingo<div style="text-align: left;"> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I used to be the late owl<br /></span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Then I became the early bird<br /></span><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">These days, I’m</span></div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The perpetually exhausted chicken </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I’m not as tired as I used to be</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">But I’m still tired often</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And I take naps frequently </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In my barren field of shits-to-give</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I think I like it here</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I never imagined making it this far</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So it’s nice to experience a future I didn’t plan</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">My personal Chicken Shit Bingo</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-25284220466978477202023-09-26T01:38:00.001-05:002023-09-26T01:38:14.179-05:00Same-same<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Yesterday<br /></span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">My father died<br /></span><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Yesterday</span></div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I searched the crevices of my heart</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">For tears, anger, loss </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And found only apathy</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">My father</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The god of absence</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Blessed me with indifference </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">But only for him</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Because no one else is deserving</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Of this special part of me</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So here we are</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">He is dead</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And that is just a fact</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">That has no bearing on my life</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><br /><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Even in death</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">His blessings abound</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-35501769653525099372023-06-19T07:06:00.005-05:002023-07-29T12:05:10.342-05:00I’m not dying, I’m just really uncomfortable <p> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">“I’m not dying, I’m just really uncomfortable” has become my most common response when close family and friends ask how I’m doing.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">My physical and mental health dipped to an all time low over the last year and it is truly a miracle I just might live to see 37. I was in so much physical pain, so constantly fatigued that I couldn’t function and had to drop out of ASL classes. I would go to work, come home, pass out and wake up 12 hrs later to my alarm, in my work clothes from the previous day, only to get ready to head back to work. My mental health, which is honestly already unstable, was deteriorating to an alarming rate and I started making plans to end my life because I just couldn’t take it anymore. Come to find out, I just had a ton of medical issues that had gone undiagnosed and untreated for so long that my body was crying for help. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Anyhoo, the bottom line is that I’m really not dying, just very uncomfortable. I’ve learnt that I’ll have to be that way indefinitely but with proper medical care, the discomfort will mostly be mild, occasionally moderate and rarely severe. My preference is to get a return envelope to send this body back to manufacturer due to structural issues but my doctor says it’s doesn’t work that way. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">From the top, the wires in my brain don’t fire right and I have declining hearing loss in my right ear. The last test in 2018 showed over 20% hearing loss. It has gotten worse since then and I’m afraid to go back for testing because I didn’t like the options I was told I would have if it continued to decompensate. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I also have a blood disorder, Thalassemia, due to tiny red blood cells that don’t carry enough oxygen through my blood. This is the culprit and cause of my fatigue, untreatable anemia, lightheadedness and shortness of breath to the point of passing out sometimes (when I overexert myself or when the air is thin) </span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">etc. My caregivers failed me in childhood because I would report these symptoms and they would color me a hypochondriac. Eventually, I just assumed what I felt was either normal to everyone or normal to skinny people. On my worse days, I internalized it as me being lazy. I learnt to live around the symptoms without really knowing what I had going on eg I stopped running, I take frequent naps daily, avoid saunas, exposure to high elevation (a trip to Denver almost killed me) etc. I’m also having to unlearn minimizing my symptoms - it took my doctor asking me to breakdown what I call lightheadedness before I realized and agreed that I experience shortness of breath!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Moving down, I have a septate uterus (in layman terms, my uterus is split in 2 and more the shape of a heart than an upside down triangle). I also have 2 cervixes and a shit ton of fibroids that have caused me to officially have a protruding belly. I have had heavy, painful, week-long periods from my teenage years but all of those are subjective so I just assumed my tolerance was low… until I started using big period cups and emptying them 5 times a day while I learnt that the average woman empties a small cup 2-3 times a day. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Anyway, the significantly heavy periods worsen the anemia, which also worsens the symptoms of Thalassemia so my doctor had put me on birth control to minimize my bleeding thereby, improve the anemia and hopefully, my overall well being. We later incidentally discovered the fibroids and that took us down another rabbit hole that I’m considering the best thing to happen to me in a long while. Given taking out the fibroids or fixing my uterus and cervix requires surgeries and I actually don’t want children, I have opted to get a hysterectomy. I begged for a hysterectomy 10 years ago due to said heavy, painful periods but my doctors in that godforsaken, bible-belt called Tyler, Texas offered everything but that because “what if” I change my mind about having children? I have had 10 more years of monthly misery because some close-minded medical providers gate-kept me from a hysterectomy because heaven forbid a woman decides what to do with her body… heaven forbid a woman decides not to have children.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Back to the point and moving down, the fibroids were discovered because I got an MRI on my right hip due to incessant, unexplained pain. Physical therapy was not much help and the x-ray showed nothing on my bones. Come to find out, I have tears on the cartilage of that hip. I didn’t even know that was possible but I would like to go back to forgetting I have a right hip because I have been in varying degrees of pain with varying range of mobility, daily, since late last year. Per my Orthopedic Surgeon, the best call at this time is ongoing PT to strengthen the muscles around the hip because some of the pain is from the muscles working extra hard to make up for the weakness in the cartilage. Per the pain from the cartilage, it’s a “suck it up buttercup” situation because the only treatment is surgery and mine is not quite bad enough for such an invasive surgery. So, pain for about a decade it is and when it’s unmanageable, I’ll go to him for a shot to the spot.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Finally, my feet won’t stop growing! I developed bunions in both feet gradually through my 20s and finally decided to get bunion removal surgery in approximately 2017. I met a Podiatrist, everything looked bad enough for surgery and we got it scheduled. Fortunately, I opted for a second opinion because I raced sailboats every weekend at the time and the thought of breaking both feet, putting screws in them and not being able to sail for several months suddenly started to terrify me. The new doctor verified that I have Bunions and surgery will help but he also said the bunions are a symptom of a malformation with my feet. Basically, the part of my feet (on top, close to the ankles) where the bones split up and eventually become toes is missing a piece (? or is not strong enough? I don’t remember exactly) so the bones keep gradually spreading out. This makes my feet keep growing, which makes my feet too big for my shoes, which then causes the bunions. The permanent fix will be to get surgery and place screws in both feet - then maybe do the bunion removal if I’m still interested. Or to move up shoe sizes and keep moving up shoes as my feet grow to prevent worsening the bunions. Given my fear of pain and love for sailing yet again, I chose to get new shoes. I went up to size 9 and they were perfect. Unfortunately, I’ve had to go up half a shoe size since then so he certainly didn’t lie. I still don’t fully understand it but I refuse to risk any sort of complications with both feet when I know that even without feet issues, I’ll always replace my shoes anyway so what does it matter if the size is a bit bigger? The only practical issue is that I do experience feet pain quickly from standing and walking but even then, I just leaned towards well-padded shoes to minimize discomfort and just kept it moving but never imagined I just had fucked up feet.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Overall, there’s a part of me that’s upset the grownups in my life failed me so I never got the medical attention I needed. Big picture, I’m glad to be medically validated, to have a name to these things, supportive providers and the resources for treatment. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">My hysterectomy is today, I’m cleaning house and taking out everything except my ovaries so I don’t go into early menopause. We can’t do it vaginally because I have a higher risk of complications so we’re doing it laparoscopically with a robot and a couple of small cuts to my abdomen . However, we’ll switch to the old-school, big cut surgery if things go awry. Should things go well, I should be home this evening. If they don’t, I’ll stay at the hospital. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I’m excited, nervous and really hopeful about the improvement of my health. I know I’ll still experience fatigue from Thalassemia but it will be nice to not feel like death because I lost too much blood on my period.</span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"> On a superficial level, I’m also looking forward to getting back my flat belly. Most importantly, I’m just so super grateful for having a community that loves and supports me. I’m am overwhelmed by the way my friends have showed up for me and I hope everyone feels this loved, often. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Like I said, I’m not dying, I’m just really uncomfortable and that discomfort is about to be minimized.</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-13046940009904192852023-03-27T21:24:00.003-05:002023-03-27T21:34:03.478-05:00Mouth Breather<p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I have never been afraid of endings</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I have witnessed enough sunrises to see only the beauty in sunsets</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">To feel the sudden drop in temperature</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">To watch light gradually turn to darkness</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And find comfort in knowing that tomorrow</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I’ll get the chance to try again</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Endings are only truly endings when we run out of tomorrows</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And I still have a handful of tomorrows </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So as surely as the sun rises after it sets</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I know that this will be a distant memory tomorrow</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">TLDR: Not me setting myself on fire and telling my friends I want to watch myself burn then being shocked at the effrontery of my body to actually burn</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Alternatively alternate summary: The audacity of my heart to afford heartache on an emotionally unavailable salary will never not be funny</span></span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-29401662044876845312023-03-15T19:34:00.002-05:002023-03-22T16:55:59.249-05:00Grounding<div style="text-align: left;">I <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">am the daughter of the mother</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Who never really got to be a daughter</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">And the god-forsaken child of the father</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">Who went insane with 4th quarter pipe dreams</span><br /></div><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter of well-intentioned people</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Who performed the rituals of good children </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And struggled with the notion of parenthood</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter of a family gone mad</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">With the lunacy of reproduction and magic</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Born from star seed and grown with mead</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter of a millennia of trauma and evolution</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Rebellion and righteousness</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The daughter perpetually between three worlds</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Wondering how to straddle them all </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Faking grace and resilience </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Humor and passion</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><br /><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the rug-rat that fits in with the vines</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Those that sprout from the side of brick buildings</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And in the negative space of chain link fences</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The heart that beats along to songs that don’t exist</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">But won’t quit until they do</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter of art & chaos</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The child of irrationality & determination</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The black sheep of me… A Lost Boy</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter of a story so wild it’s never been told comprehensibly</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the woman</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Who eternally feels like girl</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Like wind, fire, water… but never earth</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Never grounded</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">The woman who feels too old to feel so freshly foolish</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Unable to exist in ease</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Yet managing to find just one more reason to stay alive</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Every time I run out of reasons </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am my daily reminder that the world sings as beautifully as I imagine it does</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">That problems are so much lighter in the reflection of a lake</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In the chaos of a kitchen</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">(With people cooking without recipes)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In the warmth of an embrace </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In the sound of belly laughs</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In the sound of a caring voice on the phone</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">(Asking why I haven’t been online lately) </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In the sight of a friend </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In the sight of “I miss you… I love you.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Who dares to be the rich aunt</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">And doesn’t care to birth children </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am the daughter, girl, woman</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Doing my best</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Giving myself permission to rest</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Resisting grind culture</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Taking pride in tapping out</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 24.5px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I am a divine being… and it’s okay that I don’t know how to end this. I have given up on perfection, chaos is abstract art.</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-11520771976799770842022-04-11T06:57:00.002-05:002023-03-15T19:35:05.003-05:00Credo<p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Christianity</span></b></span></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I was baptized in a Lutheran Church</span></span></div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Went to a Baptist church as a child because my mom made me</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Went to Catholic Church as a teenager because she hated it </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(I was so Catholic I became the President of Young Catholic Students Association)</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Went to a non-denominational church in my early 20s</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">And by my mid-20s, I was so religious I had been on multiple short-term missionary trips and trained for a year to do long-term missions</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1">However, s</span>omewhere on that path</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I realized there was too much I didn’t agree with and became non-religious</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I am 35 now and most people in my life assume I am still a Christian</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I never correct them</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">You always have to explain the most to the people who matter the least.</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><b>Islam</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Islam and I hold hands and drink tea often</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Our meeting was traumatic</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">We’ve made peace with it</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">We started seeing one another before I turned 5 and it has remained a constant presence in my life</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I’m aware this makes some people a tad uncomfortable</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I honestly don’t care</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I’ve been through more than anyone ever should </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">And if Islam is one of the few gifts I got from that then I am okay with it </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">It is not a thing that needs to be explained </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">It is not a thing that is good or bad</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">It is a thing that just is.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i><b>***</b></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>When it comes to religion</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>The people who love me the most</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>(On both sides of the religious spectrum)</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>Nod and look the other way</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>It’s a love language </i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>An acceptance </i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>That my being alive is reason enough</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>Reason enough</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>To leave me alone</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>They know I always eventually tell…</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><i>When I’m</i> ready.</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-88414354573538656672022-04-06T21:54:00.002-05:002022-04-06T21:54:34.017-05:00Sutured <p style="text-align: center;">A kiss</p><p style="text-align: center;">For old time’s sake</p><p style="text-align: center;">For what was</p><p style="text-align: center;">For what is</p><p style="text-align: center;">For what will never be</p><p style="text-align: center;">…</p><p style="text-align: center;">For the things I won’t tell my heart</p><p style="text-align: center;">When it asks after you</p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-82432908455869195932022-03-09T21:26:00.000-06:002022-03-09T21:26:23.269-06:00CP: The Romance of Getting Over You<p> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;">Chapter One of My Life.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Chapter Two. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place! But it isn't my fault. And it still takes a long time to get out.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Chapter Three. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It's a habit! My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Chapter Four. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Chapter Five. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I walk down a different street.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Portia Nelson, 'There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery'</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-673848611966982002022-02-26T14:30:00.007-06:002022-03-20T10:22:54.261-05:00Black History Month, or something like it<p>Every year, I shatter my dreams and plans in a bid to find more freedom. I'm convinced that dreaming and planning have never been mutually exclusive so I dream and I plan and I shatter and dream and plan and find some freedom, lose some freedom, shatter and start again. </p><p>I am dedicated to a lifetime of enjoyment. I’m not really dedicated to loving or to social justice because these 2 bleed out of me, naturally, daily. So I have to fight for my freedom and enjoyment because loving well and fighting for equity in a White, male, Christian-centered world is exhausting. Therefore, I dream and I plan and I find freedoms I never knew I could have, and I bask in the glory of all that they are. </p><p>I am Black and woman, Black and coily-haired, Black and immigrant-but not really, Black and diasporic-but not exactly, Black and bisexual, Black and asexual, Black and hoe, Black and ethical, Black and educated, Black and polyglot, Black and traveler, Black and you-are-not-allowed-to-discriminate-in-front-of-me, Black and art-lover, Black and I-can't-do-life-with-you-if-you-don't-cook, Black and non-religious, Black and happy, Black and so much more.</p><p>So many have died for me to enjoy the liberties that I have today and I refuse to let them down... So, I dream and I plan towards a lifetime of more freedoms, daring adventures and all of the enjoyment my soul can ramp up.</p><p><br /></p><p>***Inspired by the Black and… Project by my fellow Peace Corps Evacuee, Chenise Calhoun</p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">*I write about travel <a href="https://driftingdosh.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">here</a></span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-43599563609689872572022-01-11T08:44:00.000-06:002022-01-11T08:44:30.667-06:00Idiosyncrasy <ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2">At various stages of my life</span></li></ul><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Me</b>: I’m not dating right now</span></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 12px;"></span><span class="s2">Responses from men tend to fall into a variation of the following 4 exaggerated categories, some mix and match but most stick to one</span></li></ul><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Man 1</b>: Fuck you! </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Man 2</b>: That’s ‘cause you haven’t had this dick, I can change your life! </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Man 3</b>: But I love you.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Man 4</b>: Okay, so, I got us a table for 2 at this exclusive restaurant. I bought you a car, a house, and an island… I can get you into heaven if you want.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2">** 3 and 4 tend to go together. 2, 3 and 4 sometimes end up as 1 but occasionally, they slide into 5 </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s2"></span><br /></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 12px;"></span><span class="s2">Only one man has given a mostly okay response from the get go. This response is not perfect because when I start dating, I feel guilty for not letting them know… especially if they are on my social media and can tell that I’m seeing someone</span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s2"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Man 5</b>: Okay but please let me know when you start dating. You’re really cool and I would love to be with you.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s2"></span><br /></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: Menlo-Regular; font-size: 12px;"></span><span class="s2">In my 34 years, 11 months and 15 days on earth, only one man has respected my autonomy and given the only appropriate response to that statement</span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s2"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2"><b>Man 6</b>: Thanks for letting me know. It’s great that you know what you want and I wish you the best.</span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-68534771582142120992022-01-01T02:26:00.000-06:002022-01-01T02:26:15.251-06:0035<p>My birthday is on the 27th and I’m not sure why we are already thinking about it but <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;">The Nap Ministry told me to stop giving away my deepest thoughts on an app designed to make a rich, White man richer so… here we are.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">Turning 35 halfway through a <a href="https://doshix.blogspot.com/2021/12/4-months-of-me.html?m=1" target="_blank">solitude quest </a> is definitely one of the most laughable ordeals of my midlife eccentricities. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>This is the first time in about 10 years where I haven’t <a href="https://driftingdosh.blogspot.com/?m=1" target="_blank">traveled</a> abroad for my birthday. It’s the first time in my life I’m not having a party of sorts. It’s also the first time in my life I’m planting roots. This Lost Boy is working on making Austin her headquarters and it’s as calming as it’s destabilizing. My life is smaller than it’s ever been, bigger than it’s ever been, I’m happy, at peace and couldn’t ask for more.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I know this is the part where I’m supposed to blab about the next year but the wheels are in motion for my near future so instead, here’s what I want to do when I <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>retire - and can go to jail without worrying about how it will affect my life. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">- Volunteer several days a week at a local library/bookstore/garden/farm… Preferably if I own it and if I’m doing something with kids, teaching them things they won’t learn in a class room (think banned books on history, culture and inclusivity).</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">- Terrorize my government officials with a little more umph about civil rights and never miss a protest for said civil rights.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">- Go on at least one international cruise each year once it becomes medically inconvenient to <a href="https://driftingdosh.blogspot.com/?m=1" target="_blank">travel</a> the regular way.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">- Become a pot-head.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 20.3px;"><br /><span class="s1"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-small;">If you want to send me a gift, I’ll take hand-written snail mail, a sewing machine, a delivery from Naija Snack Box and Cold, Hard Cash. Tnx! PO Box 1051. Austin, Texas. 78767</span></span></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-37221560073189668762021-12-15T15:09:00.004-06:002021-12-17T09:54:51.985-06:00No.Mad<p></p><div style="text-align: center;"> I was torn out of my mother's womb before I was ready for the world</div><div style="text-align: center;">I wasn't done swimming</div><div style="text-align: center;">I wanted one last day in a utopia that was all mine</div><div style="text-align: center;">And her's</div><div style="text-align: center;">She and I</div><div style="text-align: center;">Together</div><div style="text-align: center;">Connected by nature</div><div style="text-align: center;">Biology</div><div style="text-align: center;">Love</div><div style="text-align: center;">But they cut me out</div><div style="text-align: center;">Because they thought I wanted to hurt her</div><div style="text-align: center;">Myself</div><div style="text-align: center;">Us</div><div style="text-align: center;">And in the process</div><div style="text-align: center;">They cut out a part of us</div><div style="text-align: center;">And never put us back together quite right</div><div style="text-align: center;">And it hurt</div><div style="text-align: center;">It still hurts</div><div style="text-align: center;">So</div><div style="text-align: center;">I have spent my life not lingering</div><div style="text-align: center;">Because I never want to overstay my welcome</div><div style="text-align: center;">To be cut out</div><div style="text-align: center;">To be told "you need to leave"</div><div style="text-align: center;">I have managed to become a Lost Boy</div><div style="text-align: center;">In a world where I have managed to find love everywhere I've ever been</div><div style="text-align: center;">(and I've been a lot of places)</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's a wild wonder</div><div style="text-align: center;">But no mistake at all</div><div style="text-align: center;">So</div><div style="text-align: center;">Don't ask me to stay</div><div style="text-align: center;">Staying makes me restless</div><div style="text-align: center;">Makes my spine itch</div><div style="text-align: center;">My eyes dry</div><div style="text-align: center;">My feet sore</div><div style="text-align: center;">My heart wonder</div><div style="text-align: center;">When you'll have too much of me</div><div style="text-align: center;">When you'll want me gone</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Don't ask me to stay</div><div style="text-align: center;">The wild is calling out to me</div><div style="text-align: center;">Begging me to return</div><div style="text-align: center;">Pleading to be explored and conquered</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Don't ask me to stay</div><div style="text-align: center;">You can't tame a restless soul</div><div style="text-align: center;">Keep me too long and </div><div style="text-align: center;">I'll eat you from the inside out</div><div style="text-align: center;">Lick your bones and</div><div style="text-align: center;">Walk away hungry</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Don't ask me to stay</div><div style="text-align: center;">I can't hear you</div><div style="text-align: center;">Over the sound of my footsteps</div><div style="text-align: center;">Walking away from you</div><div style="text-align: center;">And you</div><div style="text-align: center;">Again</div><div style="text-align: center;">And again</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Stop asking me to stay</div><div style="text-align: center;">I can do bad all by myself.</div><br /><p></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-75755634499168763892021-12-12T20:43:00.023-06:002023-11-19T07:31:32.161-06:004 months of me<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;">This </span><span style="text-align: left;">is an accountability post and a running list of my attempt at spending more time with myself, self-discipline, frequent reading, writing, physical activity, less Instagram and more *Arabic… Starting December 1, ending March 31. </span><span style="text-align: left;">It’s not intended to be impressive. </span></div><p>*<span style="font-size: x-small;">Arabic is the only thing I currently practice daily (704 consecutive days as of 03/02/22) however, that’s on Duo Lingo, for script/Modern Standard Arabic. I need to practice Darija (Moroccan Arabic).</span></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">** I DID IT! 4 months of reading, practicing American Sign Language, frequent physical activity, daily practicing of Arabic and by the end, no Instagram use for several weeks. I’m so proud of myself. I should take this down but I’ll keep it here as my reminder that I can do anything I sent my mind to. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>MARCH 2022</b></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">The plan is to bug the ASL department until someone lets me take one of next semester's classes this semester. Otherwise, practice ASL and Arabic at least once for each, each week. I'll stay off Instagram for another month, read one book and read as much of New Daughters of Africa as I can on a 3 week loan from the Library. Keep up weekly swimming and engage in physical activity at least 2 other days each week. </span></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Summary<br /></u>Well, I didn’t get to read New Daughters of Africa at all and I swam only once but I stayed off Instagram, read 2 books (Bitter and Deaf Again and practiced Arabic daily on Duo Lingo (over 730 day streak). I also practiced ASL over 20 days and engaged in physical activity for a total of 11 days.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhknUmqC3vYW9PM2V_ug8tcLxnElTCUHXSjPq7_zROxpxPQwv92D5iji5MzsK6F98g-2UujdKDKh3uYwamD9X1LAl-GhAjxFuROzo61JAytz8FYZPCZydZipgNCSWhb8ddHG5yCHlurxZZ-_P0L3wASZdO0D_qxMYAayH6M3LJLTJ9q9dem7svkHPGHcsXz/s3072/IMG_5419.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2050" data-original-width="3072" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhknUmqC3vYW9PM2V_ug8tcLxnElTCUHXSjPq7_zROxpxPQwv92D5iji5MzsK6F98g-2UujdKDKh3uYwamD9X1LAl-GhAjxFuROzo61JAytz8FYZPCZydZipgNCSWhb8ddHG5yCHlurxZZ-_P0L3wASZdO0D_qxMYAayH6M3LJLTJ9q9dem7svkHPGHcsXz/s16000/IMG_5419.png" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 1:</b> Started reading Bitter by Akwaeke Emezi</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 2:</b> Read Bitter. Emailed another professor to let me into ASL II.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 3:</b> Got a seat for ASL II. Swam for 45 mins. Read bitter.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 4: </b>Finished reading Bitter. Walked for 20 mins.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 5:</b> Started reading Deaf Again for ASL II.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 6: </b>Read Deaf Again. Walked 40 mins.</span></div><div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 7:</b> Finished Deaf Again.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 8:</b> </span><span style="font-size: large;">20 mins work out.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 9:</b> REST</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 10:</b> Completed 14 ASL quizzes for Deaf Again. The semester starts in 2 weeks but I’ll be going on vacation 2 weeks before the end of the semester so I need to keep this pace or finish earlier so I don’t have any school work due while I’m in vacation. </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 11: </b>ASL, all of 6.1</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 12:</b> ASL 6.2</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 13:</b> ASL 6.3 and 6.4. Walked 20 mins</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 14: </b>ASL 6.5. 30 mins yoga</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 15: </b>Finished ASL Unit 6 (2 weeks down, 6 to go). 20 mins yoga, 20 mins walk</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 16:</b> 25 mins walk</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 17: </b>REST</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 18: </b>ASL 7.1 and 7.2. 30 mins workout </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 19: </b>REST</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 20: </b>ASL 7.3 (3 weeks down, 5 to go - I’m officially 3 weeks ahead of schedule because classes actually start tomorrow) </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 21: </b> ASL 7.4 and 7.5 </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 22: </b> ASL 1 hr</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 23: </b>REST</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 24: </b>ASL 1hr</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 25: </b>ASL 1 hr. Walked 25 mins</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 26: </b>Finished ASL Unit 7 videos, did 8.1 (4 weeks down, 4 to go). 20 mins workout.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 27: </b>ASL 8.2. 30 mins workout </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 28: </b>ASL 8.3</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 29: </b>REST</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 30: </b>REST * FYI that when I “rest on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, it means I worked at my Private Practice.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 31: </b>ASL Tutoring and Unit 8 videos. 5 weeks down, 3 to go.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></p></div><p style="text-align: center;"><b><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>FEBRUARY 2022</b></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Wrote this on Feb 01: The plan is to stay ahead of my American Sign Language (ASL) class and be done with the semester this month, no Instagram AT ALL and remain consistent with yoga or general physical activity. ASL is very demanding so I’m not committing to any reading this month. </span></p><p><u>Summary</u></p><p>I did it! Completed my fast-track ASL semester and completed over 700 days of consistently practicing Arabic on Duo Lingo. I did not have Instagram on my phone all month. I did take a peek once or twice, because I'm signed in on my work desktop, but cumulatively "looked" at Instagram for definitely less than an hour the entire month... I'm very proud. I wasn't as physically active as I would have liked but I picked up weekly swimming and I'm okay with it. I also wasn't planning on doing any reading this month but ended up reading Where The Crawdads Sing the last 2 days of the month... so overall, I'm just really fucking proud of myself.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh7c7kfuZtu6hE3-n1pMEIqKDLzqtzOJ5rEjUUdOd-UoCuWqh5VTJprTFnUKedbGV0NT_6cRpfR2DqRM5NlrNZESLT905oKOw9y-rMZZK52ZENEc6MueCE7fIRKTW0VM-EXPjEuXtYNo-r6QPDFP0VgUBqrVmmC2qmitW8m0MUDWrUHr42oSiz_1OfQ2A=s2048" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh7c7kfuZtu6hE3-n1pMEIqKDLzqtzOJ5rEjUUdOd-UoCuWqh5VTJprTFnUKedbGV0NT_6cRpfR2DqRM5NlrNZESLT905oKOw9y-rMZZK52ZENEc6MueCE7fIRKTW0VM-EXPjEuXtYNo-r6QPDFP0VgUBqrVmmC2qmitW8m0MUDWrUHr42oSiz_1OfQ2A=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b style="font-size: large;">Day 1:</b><span style="font-size: large;"> ASL</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 2:</b> Rest</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 3:</b> ASL for less than an hour</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 4: </b>Finished Feb 13 ASL responsibilities (4 weeks down, 4 to go)</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 5:</b> Less than an hour of ASL 😂. It’s 5 days in and I’ve collectively spent less time on ASL than any day in January and I haven’t engaged in any form of physical activity. This is not a great start. Still, we meouve!</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 6: </b>ASL all day, 15 mins yoga</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-size: medium;"><b>Day 7:</b> Started Feb 27 ASL classwork</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 8:</b> 20 mins yoga. Finished Feb 20 ASL... 5 weeks down, 3 to go</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 9:</b> </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 10:</b> Swam for 45 mins</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 11: </b>ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 12:</b> ASL, yoga</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 13:</b> ASL aaalll day (this is my life now)</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 14: </b>20min walk. Started March 6 ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 15: </b>Finished Feb 27 ASL classwork... 6 weeks down, 2 to go</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 16:</b> REST</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 17: </b>45 mins swim</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 18: </b>Laser hair treatment, can't sweat for 24-48hrs</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 19: </b>Had 24hrs of an emotional whirlwind, saw a townhouse I liked online, got my realtor to get us a reservation, saw it and fell in love, indicated interest and got all paperwork... unfortunately, all of Austin fell in love with it too and my money was too short for the bidding war. I'm still incredibly sad by this and have decided to give up on buying for now.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 20: </b>Yoga 30mins. ASL all day</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 21: </b> Finished March 6 ASL (7 weeks down, 1 to go). Started March 13 ASL classwork</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 22: </b> </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 23: </b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 24: </b>45 mins swimming</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 25: </b>Finished my first semester of ASL 2 weeks early - while taking a compacted 8 week semester, instead of 16 weeks. There's no reason I didn't finish on the 22nd or yesterday but I deserve the rest I got and I'm VERY proud of myself!</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 26: </b>45 mins Full Body Conditioning <b>*</b>Reached out to my advisor to see if the school will let me take one of next semester's classes this semester, for another expedited 8 week semester... I'm an overachieving hazard to myself!</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 27: </b>45mins Intro to Ballet. 45 mins Intro to Pilates Reformer. Started reading Where The Crawdads Sing</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 28: </b>Finished reading Where The Crawdads sing. 30mins walk</p></div><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>JANUARY 2022</b></p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">*Wrote this on Jan 1: The plan is to finish reading New Daughters of Africa (failed!), practice Darija for at least 20 days (picked up ASL instead and was consistent so, win?), spend less than 24hrs of screen time on social media (win) and engage in more strenuous physical activity (idk who I thought I was).</span></p><p><u>Summary</u></p><p style="text-align: left;">I practiced yoga for 23 days, practiced Darija only 6 days because I signed up for American Sign Language certification and practiced it almost everyday once I started classes, read up to 40% of New Daughters of Africa (got up to only 17% last month lol), clocked 674 consecutive days of practicing Modern Standard Arabic on Duo Lingo and spent less time on ig at 19hrs and 30 - better than last month but way more than I would prefer. Overall, I’m kinda proud!</p><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjSH-rGwcfLRfKXAt-9JodV_EnECo43KDKQPJAYV-q7k1bCQtSffjFMlb4jEo6rXkeyTeUi45OS0HCygsU0ba1Ns8Y5lF6BKSFeUfx1TwUqOISzy2nim8x9cMY2HzGk4d2mTcjAdTZSzoE3BHVKjJSYQy9oeihZGtP3acBdK3V4ZicMzxLhA6F05zVuBg=s3072" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3072" data-original-width="3072" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjSH-rGwcfLRfKXAt-9JodV_EnECo43KDKQPJAYV-q7k1bCQtSffjFMlb4jEo6rXkeyTeUi45OS0HCygsU0ba1Ns8Y5lF6BKSFeUfx1TwUqOISzy2nim8x9cMY2HzGk4d2mTcjAdTZSzoE3BHVKjJSYQy9oeihZGtP3acBdK3V4ZicMzxLhA6F05zVuBg=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p><div style="text-align: left;"><b>Day 1:</b> Invited 21 friends to join me for <a href="https://do.yogawithadriene.com/move?utm_source=email&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=MOVE%20-%20Day%200%20%28RPCpnw%29&_kx=nnO9Osydy7GZIRiDg8xd6ToHHKSebQTEkXCuo-h3NVs%3D.RJFGiv" target="_blank">30 days of Yoga With Adrienne</a>. Borrowed New Daughters of Africa again and started reading from my 19% completion. Practiced Darija. Did an entire, fucking hour of yoga!<br /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 2:</b> 30mins of yoga. Practiced Darija</span></div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 3:</b> Read NDoA. Practiced Darija</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 4:</b> Read NDoA. 45mins of yoga. Darija</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 5:</b> 30 mins of yoga. Signed up for a semester of American Sign Language! Why? Not too sure. I also signed up for an 8 week semester, instead of 16 weeks. Why? Not sure, but I'm convinced it will end in tears, my dears.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 6:</b> 30 mins of yoga. NDoA. Got laser hair treatment today so I can’t do anything strenuous for at least 24hrs :(</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 7:</b> REST! Downloaded ig (screen time 2hrs 35)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 8:</b> 45 mins yoga, Arabic, NDoA. Deleted IG (4hrs 8)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 9:</b> 30mins of yoga, NDoA</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 10:</b> 20 mins of yoga, NDoA</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 11:</b>30 mins of yoga, NDoA... a consistent queen!</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 12:</b> 25 mins of yoga. Started ASL classes today and completed Jan 23 responsibilities. Arabic might suffer yet again because I don't have the bandwidth to learn and complete my Sign Language weekly tests while learning Arabic. At least, I'm still practicing daily on Duo Lingo, sometimes only for 2 minutes but listen... I'm trying.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 13:</b> 24mins of yoga. Practiced Darija. Started Jan 30 ASL work.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 14: </b>NDoA, 20mins of yoga, ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 15: REST</b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 16:</b> 45mins yoga, Darija, ASL, read January edition of Aramco World</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 17: </b>NDoA, ASL aaaaalllll freaking day! IG 56mins, don't look at me <span style="color: #1d2228; font-family: trebuchet;">😂</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 18: </b>Finished Jan 30 ASL class work (2 weeks down, 6 to go), 20 mins yoga, NDoA, IG 2hrs 32</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 19: </b> 50 mins of yoga, Started Feb 6 ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 20: </b>45mins swimming, NDoA - it will be “collected” tomorrow… I’m at 40%. Not great but definitely better than last month.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 21: </b>45mins yoga, ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 22: </b> ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 23: </b>ASL aaaaallllll day, 13 mins yoga</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 24: </b>ASL for 6hrs after an 8hr work training. I actually went to sleep at 2am on the 25th and only got 4hrs and 30mins of sleep. This is not sustainable... I regret it!</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 25: </b>Yoga for 25mins. Finished Feb 6 ASL. Started Feb 13. Slept for 6 hours. I'm trying to stay 2 weeks ahead so that when I eventually slack, I'll have time to catch up. Anyhoo, 3 weeks down, 5 to go. Pray for me.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 26: </b>25mins yoga. I'll be sleeping loooong tonight!</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 27: </b>Happy 35 me! 20 mins yoga</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 28: </b>40 mins yoga. ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 29: </b>ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 30: </b>20 mins yoga. ASL</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><b>Day 31: </b>55mins yoga. ASL aaallll day, started Feb 20 responsibilities with just a few videos left to turn on for Feb 13 responsibilities. Deleted IG. Ended strong!</p><div><p style="background-color: white; color: #1d2228; text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>DECEMBER 2021</b></p><p><u>Summary</u></p><p>I read 4.2 books, read 3 professional publications, sent handwritten snail mail to friends, did some form of physical activity for 23 days, was on IG for 21 days (made posts/stories for __ days) and my approximate, cumulative use of “social” screen time for the month was about 33 hours and 53 minutes. I’ll do better for screening out just IG use next time but I basically lost an entire fucking day to my phone in a month where I used my phone less than normal 😲. Overall, I think this is a great start but the plan is to do better.</p><p><br /></p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi-PexGDjoJkulydkng5uyHBm1-Gn_DckRUGGxilIxvk9yRgM0Sm4RaPtebnytO-whzFiOBRA8FEUcvzyyE7cpSf7w4-S2H-2gaqlAffk4GLkDOZfifRcx4kkZcAD-TbObD4h-XKO8lCaCLdH_DeSS4TTzl4D_kQILhL4Six5-QpQKciHSbH4cKeTqS_g=s3072" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3072" data-original-width="3072" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi-PexGDjoJkulydkng5uyHBm1-Gn_DckRUGGxilIxvk9yRgM0Sm4RaPtebnytO-whzFiOBRA8FEUcvzyyE7cpSf7w4-S2H-2gaqlAffk4GLkDOZfifRcx4kkZcAD-TbObD4h-XKO8lCaCLdH_DeSS4TTzl4D_kQILhL4Six5-QpQKciHSbH4cKeTqS_g=w320-h320" width="320" /></a></p><p><u>Deets</u></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 1</b>: Epic FAIL! Did my last Instagram giveaway, tested positive for Strep Throat. No work out, no reading, no Arabic, too much social media (6hrs 31mins)… mostly due to said giveaway and being home sick but still a massive fail.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 2</b>: Didn’t work again, sick! Read all of The Days of Silence, 30 mins of restorative yoga (Down Dog app… the one with the puppy logo), way too much social media (6hrs 52mins) rounding up giveaway.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 3</b>: Started reading Nearly All The Men In Lagos are Mad. 30 mins restorative yoga. A little less social media but still too much at 5hrs 52mins.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 4</b>: Finished reading Nearly All Men In Lagos Are Mad. Way less social media because (1hr 10mins), deleted Instagram. 30 mins restorative yoga.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 5</b>: Finished reading Attached. Redownloaded Ig (37mins) to ask if anyone wants snail mail. Physical activity - cleaning… this counts, don’t @ me lol</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 6</b>: Deleted Instagram 1hr on socials. Read Counseling Today Oct, AramcoWorld Nov and started Started The House of Spirits. 15mins yin yoga.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 7</b>: 30 mins Chair yoga. Read House of Spirits(HoS)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 8</b>: 30mins Hatha yoga. Read HoS </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 9</b>: 15mins Yin yoga. Read HoS</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 10</b>: 1hr trail walk. Downloaded ig (to create a reel lol)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 11</b>: 10mins Hatha yoga. Posted reel. Borrowed a digital copy of New Daughters of Africa (NDoA) from my Library and started reading it even though I’m barely a quarter through the dense HoS, NDoA requires slow reading and needs to be returned soon. Self-imposed tragedy is my native tongue.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 12</b>: Deleted ig. Continued reading HoS. 15 mins upper body workout. Welp! It’s day 12 and I’m yet to practice Darija… not even shwiya 😭</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 13</b>: 15mins High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). Read HoS</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 14:</b> 30mins Full Yoga practice. Read HoS and NDoA</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 15:</b> Read HoS</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 16:</b> Read HoS. 20 mins chair yoga, 1 hr walk</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 17</b>: Finished reading HoS</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 18:</b> 20 mins Yin yoga, Read New Daughters of Africa (NDoA)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 19: </b>Read NDoA I’ve decided December is for reading and January will be for Arabic. Once I get into a rhythm with Arabic, I can merge it with reading in February. Downloaded ig, 5hrs 48mins </span><span class="s2">😭</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 20:</b> 15mins restorative yoga. IG 2hrs11</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 21:</b> 10mins walk, 20mins yoga. Read NDoA. IG 3hrs 6</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 22</b>: IG 32mins. 15mins full practice yoga</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 23:</b> IG 13mins</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 24:</b> IG 24mins. Read NDoA. 1hr walk</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 25:</b> IG 12 mins. Read NDoA</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 26:</b> Started reading The Namesake. Read NDoA. IG 21mins. 50mins walk</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 27:</b> Read The Namesake. IG 25mins… deleted IG. Loan for New Daughters of Africa expired… I was only 19%in </span><span class="s2">😅</span><span class="s1">. I’ll rent it again once I’m done with Namesake and have it be the only book I read in January while I focus on Arabic</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 28:</b> 30 mins Gentle Yoga. Read Counseling Today Nov.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 29:</b> 30 mins Gentle Yoga. Read Namesake</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 30:</b> finished reading The Namesake </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><b>Day 31:</b> 30 mins of yoga</span></p></div>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-15927442997713400652021-01-18T08:12:00.000-06:002021-01-18T08:12:05.399-06:005 truths and a lie<p> </p><ol class="ol1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I was kidnapped by my aunt and treated like a maid while I raised her children who have turned out to be the siblings I didn’t have growing up. I still take care of them. She is currently my favorite aunt.</span></li><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I was raped by the first boy I thought I was having sex with. I thought so because he was my boyfriend at the time. My cousin would later go on to date his sister. Our families are still close.</span></li><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">I watched my mother beat a child and threaten to prick her with a needle if she tried to block the beating. I yelled at her to stop and told her to be ashamed of herself. She stopped, and proceeded not to talk to me for 2 months. My favorite (at the time) aunt’s arguing point for reconciliation was that my mother loves me and she never forgave my other aunt for kidnapping me and the only reason she didn’t come to get me or stop me from returning when I would come on holidays was because my grandmother told her that addressing the issue would break the family.</span></li><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">On her deathbed, my favorite aunt confessed that she tried to use voodoo to trade my life for her’s.</span></li><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">When I told my best friend our aunt had kidnapped me when I was younger and that I didn’t live with her by choice she said “are you sure?” and we never talked about it again.</span></li><li class="li1" style="font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1">The first reason I didn’t kill myself when my father asked for a dna test, kicked me out and rendered me homeless in a city where I knew no one is because I wasn’t sure what would happen to my corpse. The second is because I posted a “slightly” suicidal song lyric and a follower dmed me “Hey, are you okay?” I lied to her... but she saved my life. </span></li></ol>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-38093208791450872722020-12-24T10:56:00.003-06:002021-01-13T18:55:15.846-06:002020<p> This year has given me as much as it has taken from me and it’s hard to balance the scales sometimes.</p><p>Due to safety/security/COVID-19 reasons, we got evacuated from Morocco on March 19. We were supposed to be on Admin Leave for 30-60 days but we got an email on March 20 saying Peace Corps was officially evacuating all volunteers worldwide and shutting down the program indefinitely. I was supposed to be in Morocco till late November, 2021. Yet here I was, in an America I did not recognize, I couldn’t enjoy being home because I had to quarantine for 2 weeks, my favorite restaurants and stores were closed and I was officially unemployed, homeless and car-less in Austin, TX.</p><p>Immediately after I saw the email, I called my old boss and asked for my job back. I emailed insurance companies to late them know I was no longer on Sabbatical and was available to start seeing clients. I applied to 3 jobs. Then I broke down in tears. I missed Morocco, my new family and friends, the life I was building, the life I had just lost and wondered how I could manage to rebuild my life on with no notice in an unfamiliar world.</p><p>The County was on a hiring freeze but my boss moved mountains to get me back in - and I got a significant raise from what I had just 8 months prior. My insurance reimbursement rates as well as private-practice fees (honest mistake by the front desk that ended up working out) were higher than before and somehow my super part time private practice started thriving more than it had in the last 5 years. I ended up paying off my student loans and becoming debt-free in less than 6 months.</p><p>I lost bigoted people I had thought were my friends, gained allies, learned a lot about intersectionality and supporting as many oppressed groups as my emotional bandwidth could handle. My inner circle was even smaller but my relationships had more value than I could have hoped for - people came through for me in ways I never could have imagined and I was blessed with the opportunity to be there for them and others too. An old flame got rekindled and we moved in together but it ended in tears so... yeah, that happened too. I cut my hair and went natural.</p><p>This year was a microwaved dumpster fire! However, because of the extremities of COVID-19 and social justice awareness, the quality of my life has improved significantly and I would only trade it if it brought back the lives we’ve lost. I still wish I was in Morocco and cry about that occasionally. I still hurt when I think of the racist, sexist, bigoted things people I thought I knew have said/done to me and other oppressed groups. I’m still not free from the shackles of capitalism. I am however trying, learning, teaching and hoping that this momentum will be maintained in the years to come.</p><p>I hope you are well, I love you and wish you the absolute best, write to me if you’re lonely.</p><p>Happy Holidays.</p><p>P.S: my travel blog has shamefully been “in the works” for almost 2 years so I’m officially sharing it. Excuse the mess <a href="https://driftingdosh.blogspot.com/?m=1">Drifting Dosh</a></p>doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-31741038587748913642020-03-02T01:12:00.001-06:002021-12-15T14:44:09.241-06:00Black Bird 5<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-size-adjust: auto;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I wanted freedom and for my sins, Peace Corps gave it to me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-size-adjust: auto;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have so much time on my hands that I’ve started tearing metaphors out of mint teas that aren’t quite deep enough to dive into, yet I do. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">With every stroke, I get a sugar high that convinces me I am right and everyone else is wrong.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">How dare they not know better?! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I hold my breath even when I come up for air because I know that if I breathe in, I’ll remember I’m just like them - trying to do the best I can with the tools I’ve been given. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But when you are on a self-righteous springboard, empathy is the crippling angst you don’t need. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There is a difference between humanizing your foe and justifying their actions therefore, it is entirely possible to have empathy for people you wholeheartedly disagree with. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">On my better days, I can see why an African, who doesn’t believe he is an African, would be so offended by my existence that he would call me a Nigger and try to assault me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can see why someone can be an LGBTQ+ or POC ally but not an ally for Black People. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">On those days, my tea is hot enough to warm me without burning my tongue, minty enough to refresh me without leaving a bitter after taste and sweet enough to comfort me without the threat of diabetes. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">On those days, I’m swimming freestyle, breathing, sharing, caring, taking care of myself and those around me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Remembering that hatred needs no branding, it is cheap and gets in the way more often than it makes a path. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Anger is necessary to do the work but so is the patience to educate, the empathy to realize that some people just don’t know and if I want change I will occasionally have to painstakingly give to the very people taking from me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It is unfair but if we don’t tell our stories, share our pain and tell others how to treat us, how are they supposed to know if they’ve never been taught better? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If they don’t know to seek information from the same resources that we do? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know what I know because I experienced it, was taught, was told I don’t know everything and encouraged to seek information from all sources, especially those not in my purview. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">How then can I be mad at someone for not knowing this, without trying to share my experience coupled with what little I’ve learnt? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Sometimes, we need to be the fire that burns down evil but most times, we need to be the flame that lights the way and warms hearts. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">These are painful lessons I’m continuing to learn and I still don’t get it right all the time, but I’m making peace with that too. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So maybe, the freedom to ponder isn’t such a bad thing because as much as I love being in water, I don’t even know how to swim!</span></div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-size-adjust: auto;" />doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-22172409689715910342019-10-20T11:53:00.001-05:002019-10-20T11:53:13.822-05:00Tick TockYou’ll be fine<br />
I’ll be fine<br />
What is it they say about time?<br />
<br />
It always runs out.doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-21879537964565790652019-09-20T10:35:00.001-05:002019-09-20T10:49:55.538-05:00Black Bird 4<div class="p1" style="color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui text"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I am legally American</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Biologically Ugandan</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And Culturally Nigerian</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I fit no where and everywhere</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Everywhere is diaspora</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Yet everywhere is home</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I miss home every second of everyday</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Because home is multiple smiles</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And hearts</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And arms</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And houses</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And cities</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And countries away</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Separated by the ocean</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">So I’m never quite home</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">It’s incredibly sad</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Yet titillating</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Because I am constantly surrounded by my people</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">And home is now wherever I make of it</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">So</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Here I am</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">An American Peace Corps Volunteer</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">In Morocco</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I am home away from home</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">In every sense of the phrase</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and it’s oddly comforting </span></div>
</div>
</div>
doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-82298831204008269432018-12-25T09:40:00.002-06:002018-12-25T09:40:57.977-06:00My life in the uncultured lane<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" style="text-align: left;">
I'm not one for small talk<br /> And I'm usually well behaved<br /> But I tend to prattle when I'm nervous</div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" style="text-align: left;">
I talk about puppies and poetry<span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> People I know, and people I don't know<br /> And how I wish I had longer hair<br /> And how the color you get when you mix pink with purple should be called punk<br /> And how pumpkin pie is better than pineapple upside down cake, but not by much<br /> And how I generally love people, but I like some people the way I like my coffee... in small doses and far apart<br /> And how I once grabbed a handful of what I thought was my ex's butt, but it was the butt of a priest<br /> And how I was once chased out of church by a man with a stick<br /> Because I wore shorts and he swore I was a sinner<br /> And I am, but redeemed by grace<br /> And while I'm not proud of most of my behavior<br /> I promise I'm working on my poise</span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="text-align: left;">
</div>
doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-72584780754284031292018-11-22T09:21:00.000-06:002018-11-22T09:24:17.081-06:00CarelessMy love is quiet<br />
It will not grind on you in a dark club where the music is too loud and everyone is too touchy but will reach out for your hand at a poetry slam when it locks heart with a sonnet<br />
My love will rarely drag you out of bed for company but kiss you on the shoulder at 6am then head to the living room to finish a book<br />
My love hates small talk but wants to know your deepest thoughts<br />
My love doesn't try to be the life of the party, it strives to be kind the loner sitting in a corner<br />
My love is not loud<br />
It used to try to be, because that's how the movies and music videos and mills and boon described it<br />
But at the cusp of 32, my love has learnt to be itself<br />
Quiet<br />
Steady<br />
Reassuring<br />
My love is not loud<br />
If loud is what you are looking for<br />
It's okay to bang the door on your way outdoshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-82071837402344251522018-09-08T07:53:00.003-05:002018-09-08T08:32:05.902-05:00Prerogrative<div style="text-align: center;">
Look at paintings and have too much time on your hands.<br />
Sleep in.<br />
Work long hours.<br />
Or don’t.<br />
Spend time with family and friends.<br />
Pray.<br />
Or don’t.<br />
Love.<br />
Say no.<br />
Say yes...<br />
give yourself permission to indulge in whatever feels like freedom.<br />
Think.<br />
Feel.<br />
Or don’t.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMSZaf3v0lfpGSHqihCu7u7GA51WMxc_eJGrAXR_OIvY6HCCaX9xEsnF487NNnsU749smi7-QXkT4Rxk4NogyawV0bOfR8SqiGwDQcV60JYZ-U2xsoCvneksuLB3iq4Br_UoHxU6Pcofaz/s1600/image1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1199" data-original-width="1600" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMSZaf3v0lfpGSHqihCu7u7GA51WMxc_eJGrAXR_OIvY6HCCaX9xEsnF487NNnsU749smi7-QXkT4Rxk4NogyawV0bOfR8SqiGwDQcV60JYZ-U2xsoCvneksuLB3iq4Br_UoHxU6Pcofaz/s320/image1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">View from Chupa Cabra during a race last night, it felt like freedom!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span id="goog_281445629"></span><span id="goog_281445630"></span><br /></div>
doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-41727852565454609752018-08-30T08:31:00.001-05:002018-09-08T08:25:07.623-05:00Fluently Us!<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Mom no longer asks what I’m up to</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Not because she doesn’t care</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">More so because she can’t keep up, and she doesn’t approve of half of it anyway </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The fucking nose ring and other possible piercings she doesn’t want to know about</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Sky diving, sailing, country hoping, moving all the damn time, not dating the senator’s son, not getting married, not giving her grandchildren, not calling her every day.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Mom no longer asks what I’m up to</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Because she knows I manage to take care of myself </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Having control of my body, trying new things, exploring the world, not dating assholes, saying no to proposals that only fulfill social obligations, not having children for the hell of it, not calling her everyday. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
</span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Mom no longer asks what I’m up to because she knows that through it all, I love her the most and always find my way back to her. That will never ever change and that’s all that matters, everyday.</span><br />
<br /></div>
doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1028424731029546620.post-30502475494272700102018-08-01T07:40:00.000-05:002018-09-08T08:24:18.224-05:00Not Grieving <div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Maybe if you make yourself so busy that you literally don't have the time to process the death of your grandmother, you'll forget that your heart is breaking softer with every ignored message from family and friends. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">here you sit, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">not writing, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">not calling your mother, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">not crying your heart out.</span></div>
doshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08405688223583090463noreply@blogger.com