Not dreaming is what happens when you have near death experiences
Your favorite aunt saved you from one and you both just stood there
Staring
Because you could have died and he wouldn't have stopped
You could have died but she saved you
So you love her even more
But then she dies (at another time)
And you don't cry even long after the funeral because you don't get it
When it finally registers you can't stop crying
And you remember to never forget that you shouldn't dream about the future
One day, you come back to America and it seems great
But then your uncle dies a week later
You see the text and the dm but you roll over and go back to sleep without replying
You call into TERC and act normal because you don't get it
Yours is the family where no one dies
But now they are dying and you don't get it
You cry a lot and know you will never forget not to dream
Then dad decides to kick you out a week after that
Because for the dumbest reason
He thinks you died ("or something") and that you are your sister
And that you and mom are playing a fast one on him
So he kicks you out till you agree to a DNA test
You tell him to go fuck himself and not bother looking for you when he comes to
You check into Motel 6 because you have nowhere to go and need to start living cheap
You move in with some roommates you find on craigslist
Because you don't have credit history to get an apartment
You get so sad it becomes all you have
You pray to God they don't kill you in your sleep
Sometimes, you wish they would
You work as a hostess at a restaurant for two months because no one will hire you
You work at a restaurant to get employment history so someone will hire you
You work at a restaurant and lie to your mother because she is already too sad
And you are sad too
And one of you needs to be a little less sad
So you lie to her
And that makes you even more sad
But she is a little less sad
So it is ok
At this point you know that dreaming is for fools and you are not one
One night, pain stabs you in the guts
You know this is it, you wish your mom had other kids
ER, kidney stones, ovarian cysts, cervical cancer
Biopsies, samples, drips, blood, so much blood
You never tell anyone all that really went down
Not even Chiki
Because you know what it is to be sad and don't want to be the reason they ever feel it
But you get so sad from carrying all that weight that you stop to write
Because everything on your inside is sad
And all that you want to write is about being sad
But that was never why you wanted to write
So you stop towriting
And so you don't write and you don't dream
But then Someone smiles at you
You know He has always loved you and you live for Him
But you shut Him out of this part of your life
The sadness
He keeps smiling and you eventually smile back
You know He knows
And you know it's going to be okay
You've come so far that even you can't believe it
You know He has a hand in it
Because you were too busy being sad and not dreaming to have the life you have now
Eventually, you get two clean test results
And then you get a bigger raise than you asked for and benefits at work
You and dad talk some but it needs time and work
You still get sad but not so much
God loves you and your family loves you and your friends love you
So you start to enjoy forgetting the pain
And you dare to dream about the future
*
I want to work for UNICEF
Or at least work with children in whatever capacity
I want to build a house for my mother and give her whatever she wants
I want to own an early education center
I want to adopt at least one child
I want to work for UNICEF
So help me God
