Tuesday, January 23, 2024

An Early Valentine

Sometimes, love people so deeply that you open the door when they ask to leave you

Sometimes, ask “what can I do to make you feel loved?” and then do it, no further questions asked

Sometimes, love people enough to allow them be themselves

Sometimes, love humanity so deeply that you want freedom for all people, by any means necessary… even in the language of their oppressors

(Because) Sometimes, love is justice 

(And) Sometimes, justice is not peaceful

(Which means) Sometimes, love is not peaceful and that flavor of love is the answer that is needed


Sometimes, do whatever is in your power to help people feel seen, feel safe, feel loved

Sometimes, just love.

Monday, January 8, 2024

I’m Not Dying pt 2

*I posted this on Instagram but sharing it here for ‘posterity’

On June the 19th, I got the Total Hysterectomy that changed my life! It was done laparoscopically, through a robot, so I got 4 incisions on my sides for the prongs and one through my bellybutton to remove my uterus, cervix and fallopian tubes. I had fibroids the size of grapefruits, a septate uterus and cysts on my fallopian tubes. It exacerbated my blood disorder, I was in so much pain, anemic all the time and barely able to function. Worst of all, this could have been treated in 2012 but I was declined a hysterectomy without so much as an ultrasound to prove I was fine - just because I was of child bearing age and my ability to have children was more important than my physical health, mental health and overall well-being. So I sucked it up and continued to live in pain and misery. 

I know a ton of women who KNOW the duration, pain and heaviness of their period is not “normal” but get gaslit into thinking it is or tricked into getting on birth control to mask the periods instead of an ultrasound to see what’s actually going on. 

If you have a uterus, this is your reminder that: Pain is not normal; Bleeding for a week is not normal; Being anemic without other underlying health conditions is not normal and; you are worth more than your ability to have children. Go to your doctor and insist on an ultrasound then take it from there. It might be nothing, it might be something, it might require medication, it might require a variety of surgeries but you won’t know how to get better until you know what’s wrong. So please, ask for an ultrasound! 

I was supported by a lot of women who have been through this and would love to support you too so feel free to reach out. I’m an inch away from “total” recovery but I’m doing very well, building core strength as I learn the new shape of my belly, deciding if I want to keep the weight and build muscle vs lose the weight and my new boobilicious boobs, and raging against the machine as often as I can. I’ll be in Morocco for a bit so come visit me sometime let’s sit crooked and talk straight ❤️

Ps: The travel blog will be active this year, check it out Drifting Dosh 

Thursday, October 5, 2023

Chicken Shit Bingo

 I used to be the late owl
Then I became the early bird
These days, I’m

The perpetually exhausted chicken 

I’m not as tired as I used to be

But I’m still tired often

And I take naps frequently 

In my barren field of shits-to-give

I think I like it here

I never imagined making it this far

So it’s nice to experience a future I didn’t plan

My personal Chicken Shit Bingo

Tuesday, September 26, 2023


My father died

I searched the crevices of my heart

For tears, anger, loss 

And found only apathy

My father

The god of absence

Blessed me with indifference 

But only for him

Because no one else is deserving

Of this special part of me

So here we are

He is dead

And that is just a fact

That has no bearing on my life

Even in death

His blessings abound

Monday, June 19, 2023

I’m not dying, I’m just really uncomfortable

 “I’m not dying, I’m just really uncomfortable” has become my most common response when close family and friends ask how I’m doing. 

My physical and mental health dipped to an all time low over the last year and it is truly a miracle I just might live to see 37. I was in so much physical pain, so constantly fatigued that I couldn’t function and had to drop out of ASL classes. I would go to work, come home, pass out and wake up 12 hrs later to my alarm, in my work clothes from the previous day, only to get ready to head back to work. My mental health, which is honestly already unstable, was deteriorating to an alarming rate and I started making plans to end my life because I just couldn’t take it anymore. Come to find out, I just had a ton of medical issues that had gone undiagnosed and untreated for so long that my body was crying for help. 

Anyhoo, the bottom line is that I’m really not dying, just very uncomfortable. I’ve learnt that I’ll have to be that way indefinitely but with proper medical care, the discomfort will mostly be mild, occasionally moderate and rarely severe. My preference is to get a return envelope to send this body back to manufacturer due to structural issues but my doctor says it’s doesn’t work that way. 

From the top, the wires in my brain don’t fire right and I have declining hearing loss in my right ear. The last test in 2018 showed over 20% hearing loss. It has gotten worse since then and I’m afraid to go back for testing because I didn’t like the options I was told I would have if it continued to decompensate. 

I also have a blood disorder, Thalassemia, due to tiny red blood cells that don’t carry enough oxygen through my blood. This is the culprit and cause of my fatigue, untreatable anemia, lightheadedness and shortness of breath to the point of passing out sometimes (when I overexert myself or when the air is thin) etc. My caregivers failed me in childhood because I would report these symptoms and they would color me a hypochondriac. Eventually, I just assumed what I felt was either normal to everyone or normal to skinny people. On my worse days, I internalized it as me being lazy. I learnt to live around the symptoms without really knowing what I had going on eg I stopped running, I take frequent naps daily, avoid saunas, exposure to high elevation (a trip to Denver almost killed me) etc. I’m also having to unlearn minimizing my symptoms - it took my doctor asking me to breakdown what I call lightheadedness before I realized and agreed that I experience shortness of breath!

Moving down, I have a septate uterus (in layman terms, my uterus is split in 2 and more the shape of a heart than an upside down triangle). I also have 2 cervixes and a shit ton of fibroids that have caused me to officially have a protruding belly. I have had heavy, painful, week-long periods from my teenage years but all of those are subjective so I just assumed my tolerance was low… until I started using big period cups and emptying them 5 times a day while I learnt that the average woman empties a small cup 2-3 times a day. 

Anyway, the significantly heavy periods worsen the anemia, which also worsens the symptoms of Thalassemia so my doctor had put me on birth control to minimize my bleeding thereby, improve the anemia and hopefully, my overall well being. We later incidentally discovered the fibroids and that took us down another rabbit hole that I’m considering the best thing to happen to me in a long while. Given taking out the fibroids or fixing my uterus and cervix requires surgeries and I actually don’t want children, I have opted to get a hysterectomy. I begged for a hysterectomy 10 years ago due to said heavy, painful periods but my doctors in that godforsaken, bible-belt called Tyler, Texas offered everything but that because “what if” I change my mind about having children? I have had 10 more years of monthly misery because some close-minded medical providers gate-kept me from a hysterectomy because heaven forbid a woman decides what to do with her body… heaven forbid a woman decides not to have children.

Back to the point and moving down, the fibroids were discovered because I got an MRI on my right hip due to incessant, unexplained pain. Physical therapy was not much help and the x-ray showed nothing on my bones. Come to find out, I have tears on the cartilage of that hip. I didn’t even know that was possible but I would like to go back to forgetting I have a right hip because I have been in varying degrees of pain with varying range of mobility, daily, since late last year. Per my Orthopedic Surgeon, the best call at this time is ongoing PT to strengthen the muscles around the hip because some of the pain is from the muscles working extra hard to make up for the weakness in the cartilage. Per the pain from the cartilage, it’s a “suck it up buttercup” situation because the only treatment is surgery and mine is not quite bad enough for such an invasive surgery. So, pain for about a decade it is and when it’s unmanageable, I’ll go to him for a shot to the spot.

Finally, my feet won’t stop growing! I developed bunions in both feet gradually through my 20s and finally decided to get bunion removal surgery in approximately 2017. I met a Podiatrist, everything looked bad enough for surgery and we got it scheduled. Fortunately, I opted for a second opinion because I raced sailboats every weekend at the time and the thought of breaking both feet, putting screws in them and not being able to sail for several months suddenly started to terrify me.  The new doctor verified that I have Bunions and surgery will help but he also said the bunions are a symptom of a malformation with my feet. Basically, the part of my feet (on top, close to the ankles) where the bones split up and eventually become toes is missing a piece (? or is not strong enough? I don’t remember exactly) so the bones keep gradually spreading out. This makes my feet keep growing, which makes my feet too big for my shoes, which then causes the bunions. The permanent fix will be to get surgery and place screws in both feet - then maybe do the bunion removal if I’m still interested. Or to move up shoe sizes and keep moving up shoes as my feet grow to prevent worsening the bunions. Given my fear of pain and love for sailing yet again, I chose to get new shoes. I went up to size 9 and they were perfect. Unfortunately, I’ve had to go up half a shoe size since then so he certainly didn’t lie. I still don’t fully understand it but I refuse to risk any sort of complications with both feet when I know that even without feet issues, I’ll always replace my shoes anyway so what does it matter if the size is a bit bigger? The only practical issue is that I do experience feet pain quickly from standing and walking but even then, I just leaned towards well-padded shoes to minimize discomfort and just kept it moving but never imagined I just had fucked up feet.

Overall, there’s a part of me that’s upset the grownups in my life failed me so I never got the medical attention I needed. Big picture, I’m glad to be medically validated, to have a name to these things, supportive providers and the resources for treatment. 

My hysterectomy is today, I’m cleaning house and taking out everything except my ovaries so I don’t go into early menopause. We can’t do it vaginally because I have a higher risk of complications so we’re doing it laparoscopically with a robot and a couple of small cuts to my abdomen . However, we’ll switch to the old-school, big cut surgery if things go awry. Should things go well, I should be home this evening. If they don’t, I’ll stay at the hospital. 

I’m excited, nervous and really hopeful about the improvement of my health. I know I’ll still experience fatigue from Thalassemia but it will be nice to not feel like death because I lost too much blood on my period. On a superficial level, I’m also looking forward to getting back my flat belly. Most importantly, I’m just so super grateful for having a community that loves and supports me. I’m am overwhelmed by the way my friends have showed up for me and I hope everyone feels this loved, often. 

Like I said, I’m not dying, I’m just really uncomfortable and that discomfort is about to be minimized.

Monday, March 27, 2023

Mouth Breather

I have never been afraid of endings

I have witnessed enough sunrises to see only the beauty in sunsets

To feel the sudden drop in temperature

To watch light gradually turn to darkness

And find comfort in knowing that tomorrow

I’ll get the chance to try again

Endings are only truly endings when we run out of tomorrows

And I still have a handful of tomorrows 

So as surely as the sun rises after it sets

I know that this will be a distant memory tomorrow

TLDR: Not me setting myself on fire and telling my friends I want to watch myself burn then being shocked at the effrontery of my body to actually burn

Alternatively alternate summary: The audacity of my heart to afford heartache on an emotionally unavailable salary will never not be funny

Wednesday, March 15, 2023


am the daughter of the mother 
Who never really got to be a daughter
And the god-forsaken child of the father
Who went insane with 4th quarter pipe dreams

I am the daughter of well-intentioned people

Who performed the rituals of good children 

And struggled with the notion of parenthood

I am the daughter of a family gone mad

With the lunacy of reproduction and magic

Born from star seed and grown with mead

I am the daughter of a millennia of trauma and evolution

Rebellion and righteousness

The daughter perpetually between three worlds

Wondering how to straddle them all 

Faking grace and resilience 

Humor and passion

I am the rug-rat that fits in with the vines

Those that sprout from the side of brick buildings

And in the negative space of chain link fences

The heart that beats along to songs that don’t exist

But won’t quit until they do

I am the daughter of art & chaos

The child of irrationality & determination

The black sheep of me… A Lost Boy

I am the daughter of a story so wild it’s never been told comprehensibly

I am the woman

Who eternally feels like girl

Like wind, fire, water… but never earth

Never grounded

The woman who feels too old to feel so freshly foolish

Unable to exist in ease

Yet managing to find just one more reason to stay alive

Every time I run out of reasons 

I am my daily reminder that the world sings as beautifully as I imagine it does

That problems are so much lighter in the reflection of a lake

In the chaos of a kitchen

(With people cooking without recipes)

In the warmth of an embrace 

In the sound of belly laughs

In the sound of a caring voice on the phone

(Asking why I haven’t been online lately) 

In the sight of a friend 

In the sight of “I miss you… I love you.”

I am the daughter 

Who dares to be the rich aunt

And doesn’t care to birth children 

I am the daughter, girl, woman

Doing my best

Giving myself permission to rest

Resisting grind culture

Taking pride in tapping out

I am a divine being… and it’s okay that I don’t know how to end this. I have given up on perfection, chaos is abstract art.