She lives...

My phone rang and it was my mum calling... my heart skipped a beat. The only time she gives me a phone call when we are both at home is when there's something interesting or hilarious on TV she wants me to see, but on this night, no TV in the house was on.
And when she whispered "Dooshima", my heart skipped another beat because the only time she calls my full name is when i've committed a crime - and she usually yells it.
"Rumun kpe..." (Rumun is dead... ) I didn't hear the rest of the sentence, i didn't want to, i didn't need to. My favourite aunt had just died and that was all i could take at the moment.

Some call it shock, i don't have a name for it. It just felt strange and tears failed me.

We got in the car and drove to my uncle's house. It was quiet. There was no wailing. Little sobs and teary faces but no wailing. I still couldn't cry.

My aunt had been ill for quite a long while and we all thought she'ld get better but she only got worse and eventually became bed ridden. I was serving (NYSC) in Abuja at the time when my mum called to tell me how bad it was and asked me to come and see my aunt, that's why i was in Makurdi the weekend she died. I'll always be grateful to my mum for 'making' me see Aunty Rumun shortly before she passed on.

My mum's friend came to see us the next day wailing and shouting. It's quite funny now. She fell on the floor and threw her scarf away, lol. I couldn't stand it so i just went back to my room but the silence there was deafening so i headed back to the living room. And that's when i saw and heard my mum cry for the first time in my life... it broke my heart.
She was consoling her friend and lamenting "...my little sister, why? Why didn't you come to me? I've always been there for you. Who will tell me what's happening with Dooshima now? Ehn? She tells you everything. Who will i ask? I told you and Kpadoo to take care of my baby when i die... who will i ask? Who will i make plans with? ..."
I froze
I died
and rose
and died again on that spot
my mummy was crying!
...but i still couldn't shed a tear, just stood there and stared. It was all too much to take in at once.

The most i got for tears were little shakes, i just couldn't cry. Not at the wake keep 2weeks later nor at the burial the next day (where i also saw my grand mum cry for the first time and my auntie's 8yr old run away, crying from the burial ground).  When the grief was overwhelming, i shook and sobbed... without tears.

I went back to Abuja and life went back to normal. I finished Service later that month and joined the oh-so-jolly state of unemployment.
Another month later, i had just gotten a job and was driving home excited so i picked up my phone and started scrolling through the phonebook to call my aunt and share the good news. That's when it hit me. Aunty  Rumun was dead. I cried, bawled and just lost my mind. It was like all the tears i'd forgotten how to shed had found an escape route and were rolling out in waves. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I cried alot after that - the first time i was proposed to (because i picked up the phone to call her again) and many random nights over the last year. I have cried almost everyday since last week.

My aunt played a big role in my life... she's the reason i learnt make-up and how to do facials, the reason i know Psalm81 and 91, the reason my little cousins call me "Aunty Dosh Dosh", the only aunt who called when i was going for the most important interview of my life and the reason i understand and forgive somethings i held against my mum, leading us to have a better, stronger relationship.

My aunty died a year ago two days back (on the 29th) but she is still alive... she lives in my heart.

The early '90s, check out her brows :')

Then, Will I Believe

Featured on the blog today is Chad Missildine, a blogger I met on twitter. He's a Pastor -with a sense of humour- and also a good writer. I read this post on his blog ( The Way It Could Be ) yesterday and it moved my heart so I thought to share it with you guys... Enjoy!

So I’ve spent some time lately with people who aren’t Christians. To be honest, it has been refreshing. At the same time it has crushed me to the point of tears.

                     Here is a letter to all Christians called, “Then, Will I Believe.”

Love me, don’t convert me. Then love me some more. Then, will I believe.

Don’t show me how much you know. It doesn’t impress me. Show me how much you care. Again and again. Then, will I believe.

Don’t teach me how I should think, show me your beliefs by your actions. Keep showing me. Then, will I believe.

Judge me half as much and tolerate me twice that. See if you can break through the tough skin the world has caused me to have. Underneath is the real me, but you’ll probably never notice.

Why would I spend an hour at your church when you won’t spend a minute with me?

You are too busy with your religious activities to even stop and see me hurt. Too rushed to even see the oppressed. This is why I don’t believe.

Just because I look different than you doesn’t mean I am less in God’s eyes. I’m really not that much different.

You probably get more joy in pointing people to yourself and your good deeds than you do pointing people to the real God. Point beyond yourself to something bigger, someone greater. Then, will I believe.

Live it. Breathe it. Own it. Then, only then, will I believe. Who knows, I may even change the world.

I put her in a box!

I have two sisters. I haven't always had sisters but i found one and got the other a couple of years ago and it feels great. Kyla is my step-sister, she's 7 years old and really really bright. Ngodoo is my foster sister, she's also 7, bright and probably one of the strongest women i've met yet.

Ngodoo's dad died a couple of years ago and things got hard on their family so my mum brought her to live with us and help raise her. I remember the first time i saw her. I was sleeping in the room when my mum tapped me and said "meet my daughter". I looked up at my mum and saw the widest smile ever with a lot of love in her eyes, then i looked down at Ngodoo (barely 4years old then) and saw fear. Before i state my reaction, i have to tell you that my mum always brought home kids from the village, so this was nothing new and i had grown weary of the sweet hellos plus the excitement on my mum's face sort of annoyed me. So i muffled a "welcome, how are you?" then rolled my eyes and went back to bed. My mum must have been so disappointed, she raised me better. And thinking back, i can't believe i was that person. Someone who would see a sad, scared child and ignore her.

Anyway, less than a week after Ngodoo moved in with us i was already quoting her to anyone who cared to listen. She wasn't exactly sweet (she vehemently refused that no one should teach her how to speak English and was quite snubbish) but she was witty and always dropped smart remarks that made the whole house laugh and stare in wonder. I grew to like her and eventually love her. She is my sister and she is always on my mind.

Last weekend, during the Easter break, my mum was going to village for a meeting and asked Ngodoo if she wanted to tag along so she'll spend the day with her mum but she said no so fast it sent stares across the room. I don't know about the others but i immediately thought she felt too 'big' to hang out in the village... I didn't ask her about it though, just let it slide. At about mid day the next day (Easter Sunday), we were all gisting and having a nice time in the sitting room when Ngodoo's mum came in with Sughnen, Ngodoo's younger brother and her countenance changed immediately. She wouldn't smile at her mum and completely ignored her younger brother. We tried to get the other kids to play with him but he was already upset and couldn't be bothered. I got so mad at her and couldn't understand what the hell was going through her mind. Had she gotten to the place where she felt too good, too civilised to hang out with her family? Did we (my mum and I) do this to her? I even 'ordered' her to go be nice to her mum and brother but it didn't help.

About 20mins later, one of my little cousins came and whispered in my ear "Aunty Dosh Dosh, Ngodoo is crying outside" and i practically flew there. All the crazy thoughts disappeared and all that mattered was taking care of whatever was bugging her. She wouldn't talk at first but after some reassurance she said between sobs "I miss my daddy". Oh my goodness! It all came to me. Going to the village and seeing her family upset her that much because they reminded her of her daddy. She still didn't know how to handle the death of her father but lil' miss goody two shoed Dosh labeled her proud and put her in a box. I have never felt so ashamed of myself. Ngodoo is my sister and i'm supposed to love her no matter what but when she needed me the most, i sat on a high horse and juged her to hell.

We do this everyday, to strangers and people we seemingly care about. We see them act a certain way and without bothering to help or considering what may have made them act this way, we judge and condemn them. Shame on us all. Not only does Matthew 7:1 say "Judge not that you may not be judged", we've all lived long enough to realise that we sometimes act on impulse or get so confused/hurt that we forget the appropriate way to behave.

Being a Christian is not just about going to Church and quotiong Bible verses, being a Christian is mostly about walking in love to the glory of God. People say love is over rated but before anything can be tagged over rated, it needs to be over used and proven not to work. We haven't loved enough to have the audacity to say that. And people who have (been) loved even just a little bit know in the depth of their hearts that though love hurts, it heals even more. We are the children of a King and love should be our brand. Love IS our brand.

*1Corinthians 7-8a " Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails."

Whose back have you got?

literally, lol

Hey guys, i'm really sorry it's taken me this long to put up another post. The last two  months have been my craziest yet and through all that i didn't feel like i had anything worth reading to put up. Anyhoo, i'm back now and hope that you find atleast 1 sentence in every post that warms your heart and makes you want to do the same for others.

Remember when i told you guys about the trip to Jerusalem (in Toothpaste ) where i fell and broke a tooth? Well, our tour guide on the trip was a really nice, cheerful, old man called Joram - pronounced Yoram-  and our driver was Alex, a young man who didn't seem to care much about people. Alex wasn't rude per se but he couldn't speak English and it seemed like he had given up trying. He managed an occasional smile with a 'good morning' and followed us once or twice to sight see but most times, he would light a cigarette when we got off the the bus,  get somewhere to sit and smoked till we got back.

One day, after seeing The Dead Sea,  i got back to the bus pretty early and just watched through window as everyone climbed on. That was the first time i noticed it. Alex was still smoking as he approached the bus and he tossed the cigarette as he took his first step on but didn't look back to see where it fell. Joram who was behind him chased the stick (because a little wind had blown it away), stepped on it, came back, checked that everyone was on the bus, told Alex to drive off and carried on like nothing happened. He neither said anything nor carried an attitude and Alex of course, seemed completely unaware of his careless act and what Joram had done. I didn't know what to make of what i had seen so i just shrugged it off and enjoyed the rest of the day.

The next day though, the same thing happened in the morning, and two hours later, and pretty much every time we were getting on the bus. Alex would toss his cigarette and get in then, Joram would - chase it and- step on it, get into the bus after him and act like nothing happened. Every time! It made me love Joram, he had Alex's back one way or the other and didn't care that Alex didn't know. He cleaned up after Alex without making a big deal out of it because it really didn't take anything out of him to do it. It's little things like that that make peace reign and demonstrate true love. I wish we all lived like that.

The only people i clean up after without making a fuss are my family and even they get to hear from me now and again. I take care of people, one way or the other, we all do but most of the time we do it whining. Some times, we even go far as telling the people we're caring for/'loving' that we're only doing it for the love of God. As if, if we had our way, we wouldn't offer a helping hand to those who aren't family, who have hurt us, or who are in need. Unfortunately for us though, that kind of loving and religion doesn't count because"if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them"
Luke 6:32

It is a good thing to know that there are people who love us and have our backs but it's a greater thing to have someone else's back, especially someone who can't pay us back in full measures. We automatically become agents of God in their lives and it keeps us in check because we know that someone out there counts on us to not mess up. Most importantly, it builds our relationship with God. We sin so many times everyday and don't always pray for forgiveness yet God loves us and keeps blessing us. He has our backs despite our many faults and the fact that we'll never love Him half as much as He loves us. So forgiving someone who has deeply hurt us, being there for someone who'll never be able to pay us back, showing love to total strangers and being nice to people who have been mean to us puts us in good standing with God and opens doors for more blessings.

*Luke 6:32 But love your enemies, do good and lend, hoping for nothing in return: and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the ungrateful and evil.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I got invited to be a member of Faith Dames, a blog by women about great women in the Bible. I felt truly honored because everyone there is an amazing writer/story teller and i don't think i'll ever measure up but it's not about me jor, the stories are rich and eye opening and i'ld love you guys to check it out. I wrote the one about The Zarephath Widow

A Sling and 5 Stones

There are jobs we don't bother applying for because we are nobodys and our CVs aren't good enough.
There are schools that we don't even think about when sending out applications because our grades are just above average and we don't have 'godfathers' to write recommendation letters for us.
There are prayers we don't say because we feel it's an impossible situation and there's nothing even God can do about it.

 ********************

David was a boy and when the Israelites went out to battle the Phillistines, he was left to feed his father's sheep
David was a boy and when his brothers were at camp during battle, he was sent to give them food.
David was a boy but when Goliath defied the armies of Israel, the man in him refused to be intimidated!


Goliath was a warrior.
Goliath was a giant and he had so much armor that he needed a shield bearer to go before him.
But Goliath defied the armies of the living God!


David thought something his brothers and the rest of Israel did not think 'If Goliath was such a warrior and that big, why did he need all of that armor to battle a normal sized man one on one?'
David had weapons his brothers and the rest of Israel did not have, a sling and 5 stones. His sling was leather made from sheep skin which means blood had been shed and something had died for him to get that weapon so there was no way it would be useless. He picked out 5 stones because 5 represents grace.
David knew something no one on that field knew, if God be for us, who can be against us? He said to Goliath "You come to me with a sword,  with a spear, and with a javelin. But I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied" and guess what? He conquered Goliath- by the blood of the 'lamb' and by the words of his testimony!

*******************
If rich kids and dignitaries are so high-up and untouchable, why do they need to bribe and pull strings to get into good schools, good jobs, contracts, visas, favours and all that?
Christ died for us that we may not just have salvation but that we may have life (even on earth) and have it in abundance.
Christ died and left each of us with a sling to fight -and win- our battles but we also need our 5 stones of grace to study the Word, know It, obey It, preach It AND use It hand in hand with the sling. The sling and the stones work together to give us victory.

If you know who and Whose you are, there is nothing on earth that will intimidate you, there is no Goliath (situation) that will ridicule you and make you feel like a nobody. Send out that application, speak up against that injustice, say that prayer and let God surprise you.

* 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

P.S
This post was inspired by Pastor Iyke's sermon "Victory With a Sling" and you can read about David and Goliath in 1Samuel 17

TISB Award

I got TISB ( The Irresistibly Sweet Blog ) award, o my God! Less than 2months here and someone thought of this blog for an award... this means so much to me and the best part is I got it from lani. He is a good ol' friend and I have alot of respect for him. He would be on the list of people i'm giving the award back to if he wasn't the one who gave it to me. About that, apparently, when you receive TISB award you name 5 guilty pleasures then pass the award over to 3 people :(
  I'm not proud of my guilty pleasures but I guess that's why they are called 'guilty' pleasures and I particularly find 2 of them embarassing so please 'judge not, that you may not be judged'... It's in the Bible o, ehen!

1. FOOD: I looove foooooood!!! Shet! From a simple plate of indomie noodles, through a finger licking plate of brabisko and yakuwa with a drop of mai shanu to a sexy plate of basmati rice with sweet and sour soup, my skinny frame cannot have enough of good food. The Lord really loves me because if my weight was proportional to my eating habits then I'm pretty sure I'll be able to give Yoko Zuna a run for his money.

2. MUSIC: Take my music away and you might as well shoot me in the heart! I've been yelled at at work for always having my earpiece stuck in my ears and one of the things that attracted me to 'my' Church was the music. Family Worship Choir is the best in the world! Yes, I said it! Those guys got me singing - out loud- and dancing in Church to the glory of God so it is my believe that they can move a mountain. I love music, all genres of music and I don't know how I would survive without my music gadgets.

3. CATCHING EXPENSIVE 'TRIPS': I know expensive things don't always come with quality but I love to spend ALOT of money on just one item or an experience. As soon as I get my paycheck, I always run to an expensive restaurant (with or without a friend) to fulfill this guilty pleasure and number 1 above *covers face in shame*. I am also one of those idiots that buy really expensive underwear, original cds (this is a waste of money where I'm from) and can pay for hours at the spa.

4. READING: I read everything! minus pornography, romance and newspapers that is *covers face in shame again*. From biographies to fiction, comedy to horror, religious to whatever, if it's in a book, on a piece of paper, on  the internet, even on the wall, I will read it. Reading calms my soul and gives me the opportunity to travel the world and fight monsters while lying on my bed at 2am. It's always a wonderful experience :)

Last and definately not the least...
5. GREY'S ANATOMY: need I say more?

And now
*drum roll*
The recipients of The Irresistibly Sweet Blog award are

Untitled by Michael Perkins. Michael finds a way to relate every life experience from tomatoes in a burger to farts in an elevator to our relationship with God, and he is a great story teller. He also scribbles thought provoking notes on paper and uploads them. Simplicity at its best.

Confessions of a confused teenager  by Leggy. If it's on her mind, she blogs about it and I love that about her. It's not easy to say/blog what's on your mind all the time cos people read and people judge and fear of that determines alot of what we end up saying. So yeah, I love her blog for the sincerity.

La petite sirene by Ariel. Her's is more like a photoblog with pictures that are sure to put a smile on your face. Ariel loves without a care in the world and her blog is a breath of fresh air from all the 'seriousness' around here. I found her by clicking continuously on 'next blog' one lazy afternoon, can you imagine?

I need to break the rules and add 1 more
Light-a-lamp by Jaycee. I know she has received this award already but OMG! this woman writes for my soul. I'm not exaggerating. Every post speaks to me. She puts up a link on twitter and I just know there's a lesson waiting for me to learn.

Ok, that's it. This is probably my longest post so far and I hope someone is still reading. Have a lovely week guys :-*

Toothpaste!

I had an accident a couple of years ago. Well, not an accident in the serious sense of the word but i kicked a block of cement, took a nose dive and fell flat on my face. I literally fell ON my face and ended up breaking a tooth, tearing my lower lip and shifting my jaw from it's normal position!

Words are not enough to express the horror, pain and shame I felt that day especially because there were so many people there. We were on pilgrimage in Jerusalem and I can't remember what we stopped to see but it started raining and everyone was running back to the bus when I decided to land flat on the floor. I wonder what happened to using arms for support when you're about to fall *sigh*

Anyway, since the fall, it's been a series of dental problems which ultimately led to my dependence on Sensodyne (toothpaste). I have never told anyone this but I hate buying Sensodyne, I don't understand why I'll spend 600bucks on a tube that will last 3weeks max while others get to buy regular toothpaste for 200bucks and it lasts them over 2 months. I have never told my mum but somehow, she just knows and ALWAYS sends me the toothpaste.

No matter who or what my mum is sending down to me, she always includes a tube of Sensodyne and it always gets me teary eyed because I have never asked her to. This 'little' act of love reminds me so much of God.

We never pray for air, sight, speech, ability to feel

and the seemingly small/regular things

but God gives them to us anyway

because He just knows we need them

God knows that we all have bad teeth and is willing, able and ready to send us Sensodyne. Most times, He'll send it without our ever asking for it and we might even forget to say 'Thank You' but sometimes, sometimes a little prayer will make Him include toothbrush in the package for us.

*Happy New Year guys, there's nothing we ask God for that He won't give us. He Is Jehovah Jireh and I am a living testimony of His generosity. Just 'ask and it shall be given unto you.