Mouth Breather

I have never been afraid of endings

I have witnessed enough sunrises to see only the beauty in sunsets

To feel the sudden drop in temperature

To watch light gradually turn to darkness

And find comfort in knowing that tomorrow

I’ll get the chance to try again

Endings are only truly endings when we run out of tomorrows

And I still have a handful of tomorrows 

So as surely as the sun rises after it sets

I know that this will be a distant memory tomorrow

TLDR: Not me setting myself on fire and telling my friends I want to watch myself burn then being shocked at the effrontery of my body to actually burn

Alternatively alternate summary: The audacity of my heart to afford heartache on an emotionally unavailable salary will never not be funny

Grounding

I am the daughter of the mother 

Who never really got to be a daughter

And the god-forsaken child of the father

Who went insane with 4th quarter pipe dreams

I am the daughter of well-intentioned people

Who performed the rituals of good children 

And struggled with the notion of parenthood

I am the daughter of a family gone mad

With the lunacy of reproduction and magic

Born from star seed and grown with mead

I am the daughter of a millennia of trauma and evolution

Rebellion and righteousness

The daughter perpetually between three worlds

Wondering how to straddle them all 

Faking grace and resilience 

Humor and passion

I am the rug-rat that fits in with the vines

Those that sprout from the side of brick buildings

And in the negative space of chain link fences

The heart that beats along to songs that don’t exist

But won’t quit until they do

I am the daughter of art & chaos

The child of irrationality & determination

The black sheep of me… A Lost Boy

I am the daughter of a story so wild it’s never been told comprehensibly

I am the woman

Who eternally feels like girl

Like wind, fire, water… but never earth

Never grounded

The woman who feels too old to feel so freshly foolish

Unable to exist in ease

Yet managing to find just one more reason to stay alive

Every time I run out of reasons 

I am my daily reminder that the world sings as beautifully as I imagine it does

That problems are so much lighter in the reflection of a lake

In the chaos of a kitchen

(With people cooking without recipes)

In the warmth of an embrace 

In the sound of belly laughs

In the sound of a caring voice on the phone

(Asking why I haven’t been online lately) 

In the sight of a friend 

In the sight of “I miss you… I love you.”

I am the daughter 

Who dares to be the rich aunt

And doesn’t care to birth children 

I am the daughter, girl, woman

Doing my best

Giving myself permission to rest

Resisting grind culture

Taking pride in tapping out

I am a divine being… and it’s okay that I don’t know how to end this. I have given up on perfection, chaos is abstract art.

Credo

Christianity

I was baptized in a Lutheran Church

Went to a Baptist church as a child because my mom made me

Went to Catholic Church as a teenager because she hated it 

(I was so Catholic I became the President of Young Catholic Students Association)

Went to a non-denominational church in my early 20s

And by my mid-20s, I was so religious I had been on multiple short-term missionary trips and trained for a year to do long-term missions

However, somewhere on that path

I realized there was too much I didn’t agree with and became non-religious

I am 35 now and most people in my life assume I am still a Christian

I never correct them

You always have to explain the most to the people who matter the least.

Islam

Islam and I hold hands and drink tea often

Our meeting was traumatic

We’ve made peace with it

We started seeing one another before I turned 5 and it has remained a constant presence in my life

I’m aware this makes some people a tad uncomfortable

I honestly don’t care

I’ve been through more than anyone ever should 

And if Islam is one of the few gifts I got from that then I am okay with it 

It is not a thing that needs to be explained 

It is not a thing that is good or bad

It is a thing that just is.

***

When it comes to religion

The people who love me the most

(On both sides of the religious spectrum)

Nod and look the other way

It’s a love language 

An acceptance 

That my being alive is reason enough

Reason enough

To leave me alone

They know I always eventually tell…

When I’m ready.

Sutured

A kiss

For old time’s sake

For what was

For what is

For what will never be

…

For the things I won’t tell my heart

When it asks after you

CP: The Romance of Getting Over You

 Chapter One of My Life. 

I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. 

I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two. 

I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place! But it isn't my fault. And it still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three. 

I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It's a habit! My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four. 

I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five. 

I walk down a different street.

Portia Nelson, 'There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery'

Black History Month, or something like it

Every year, I shatter my dreams and plans in a bid to find more freedom. I'm convinced that dreaming and planning have never been mutually exclusive so I dream and I plan and I shatter and dream and plan and find some freedom, lose some freedom, shatter and start again. 

I am dedicated to a lifetime of enjoyment. I’m not really dedicated to loving or to social justice because these 2 bleed out of me, naturally, daily. So I have to fight for my freedom and enjoyment because loving well and fighting for equity in a White, male, Christian-centered world is exhausting. Therefore, I dream and I plan and I find freedoms I never knew I could have, and I bask in the glory of all that they are. 

I am Black and woman, Black and coily-haired, Black and immigrant-but not really, Black and diasporic-but not exactly, Black and bisexual, Black and asexual, Black and hoe, Black and ethical, Black and educated, Black and polyglot, Black and traveler, Black and you-are-not-allowed-to-discriminate-in-front-of-me, Black and art-lover, Black and I-can't-do-life-with-you-if-you-don't-cook, Black and non-religious, Black and happy, Black and so much more.

So many have died for me to enjoy the liberties that I have today and I refuse to let them down... So, I dream and I plan towards a lifetime of more freedoms, daring adventures and all of the enjoyment my soul can ramp up.

***Inspired by the Black and… Project by my fellow Peace Corps Evacuee, Chenise Calhoun

*I write about travel here

Idiosyncrasy

• At various stages of my life

Me: I’m not dating right now

• Responses from men tend to fall into a variation of the following 4 exaggerated categories, some mix and match but most stick to one

Man 1: Fuck you! 

Man 2: That’s ‘cause you haven’t had this dick, I can change your life! 

Man 3: But I love you.

Man 4: Okay, so, I got us a table for 2 at this exclusive restaurant. I bought you a car, a house, and an island… I can get you into heaven if you want.

** 3 and 4 tend to go together. 2, 3 and 4 sometimes end up as 1 but occasionally, they slide into 5 

• Only one man has given a mostly okay response from the get go. This response is not perfect because when I start dating, I feel guilty for not letting them know… especially if they are on my social media and can tell that I’m seeing someone

Man 5: Okay but please let me know when you start dating. You’re really cool and I would love to be with you.

• In my 34 years, 11 months and 15 days on earth, only one man has respected my autonomy and given the only appropriate response to that statement

Man 6: Thanks for letting me know. It’s great that you know what you want and I wish you the best.